Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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