Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
