I bet he comes in French.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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