Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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