I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
nutella sex= disaster
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
