took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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