woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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