No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
