I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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