I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
