If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
