One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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