I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
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Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
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Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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