he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
