Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
