Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
