So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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