my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
