K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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