I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
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She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
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you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.