I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
