Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
