How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
