just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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