theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
