I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
did i walk over a car last night?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
