Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Randomize
