I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Boobs speak an international language.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
