Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
We named our party play list daddy issues
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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