I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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