Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
