I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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