I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
