i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
