My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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