Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You had me at "let me see your balls"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
