You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
