I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
