You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
