omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
