So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
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I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
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I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
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