Swine flu. Run for my life!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
