i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
