Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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