I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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