i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
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I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
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