a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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