I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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