Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
