I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
