im having a threesome with these popsicles
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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