I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
