summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
