Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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