i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
