my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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