I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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